Jokes from VIZ

Letters to VIZ

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley

AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.