Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Monday, 5 January 2009
2008's First Christmas Joke
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are…..
Scroll down…..
Carols.'
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are…..
Scroll down…..
Carols.'
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Save The World's Airlines
Save The World's Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
The teacher asked Mr. Brown - KJokes
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!
Monday, 6 October 2008
A typical bloke-- joking
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
Monday, 29 September 2008
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America
> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
>forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
> > a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
>dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
>go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
>for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
>forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
> > a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
>dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
>go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
>for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
Jokes from VIZ
Letters to VIZ
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
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