> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
>forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
> > a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
>dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
>go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
>for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
Monday, 29 September 2008
Jokes from VIZ
Letters to VIZ
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! jokes
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
Saturday, 27 September 2008
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Things not to ask - jokes
These questions about Australia posted on an Australian Tourism Website - Obviously the answers came from a Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Lottery - joke
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, `Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!`
Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`
The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`
Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`
The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`
Names not a joke
Names
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.
"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.
"So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.
"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Parking Space
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
i Died -Joke
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Rookies at practice-- baseball joke
Rookies at practice
Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The coach says, "Lack of fricking talent."
Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The coach says, "Lack of fricking talent."
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Praying - joke
Praying
What's the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!
What's the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!
Australian Constitution - joke
Australian Constitution
WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to b**ch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dick***ds remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.
WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to b**ch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dick***ds remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.
A quick guide to Australian Culture - joke
A quick guide to Australian Culture
The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
Two Irish drunks - Joking
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
Irish Eyes not smiling - joke
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
Irish Jokes
"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"
"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"
"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
LE French - nude joke
Coleen, who was a rather well-proportioned French girl, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but then, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, ma'am," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have done previously."
"To b'sure what difference does it make?" Coleen asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," smiled the man.. "You've been lying on the dining room skylight."
She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but then, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, ma'am," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have done previously."
"To b'sure what difference does it make?" Coleen asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," smiled the man.. "You've been lying on the dining room skylight."
What does B.I.T.C.H mean?- Joke
What does B.I.T.C.H mean?
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
So, just exactly what is a BITCH?
B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......
SMILE.........
And say Thank You!
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
So, just exactly what is a BITCH?
B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......
SMILE.........
And say Thank You!
American Crap Joke Translation
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.
Great Female Comebacks
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
Monday, 15 September 2008
MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...
MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...
1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like .. night.
5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like .. night.
5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Corporate Lesson number one- joking
Corporate Lesson number one
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
call me .. jokes airport
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
An Irishman goes to the Doctor - jokes
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look,
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look,
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Friday, 12 September 2008
Irish Maths
Irish Maths
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Paddy and Mick - joking cleaners
Paddy and Mick
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will" replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes", says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will" replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes", says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
bases covered
They died owing me money
An elderly Man took his little grandson for a walk round the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said
"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me £50 but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said
"Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me £60 and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
An elderly Man took his little grandson for a walk round the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said
"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me £50 but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said
"Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me £60 and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
Sheep dipping - jokes
Some sheep farmers in mid-Wales have formed a society of teetotalers.
There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time.
One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.
There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time.
One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.
Having your photo taken - fun
Two old ladies from Liverpool on holiday in Colwyn Bay decided to have their photograph taken by a beach photographer.
Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.
"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.
"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"
Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.
"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.
"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"
Thursday, 11 September 2008
biscuit tin? joke
Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!
A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!
At the Pearly Gates - jokes
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
Michael Jackson scandal- jokes
The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch." —Craig Kilborn
"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only original body parts he has left." —Jay Leno
Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this
afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom...and Class 4C in his bedroom.
"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." —Craig Kilborn
"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only original body parts he has left." —Jay Leno
Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this
afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom...and Class 4C in his bedroom.
"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." —Craig Kilborn
Austrailia - jokes
Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Aussie's for himself."
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Aussie's for himself."
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Man in a hotel lobby - joking
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Really must be joking
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Declaration Of Independence Reply - jokes
Declaration Of Independence Reply
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Three bearers- jokes
A wealthy man left legacies to three of his friends on condition that when he was buried, they each placed £5 in his coffin.
When he died, the first of his friends, who was an Englishman, dutifully placed a £5 note in his coffin; the second friend, an Irishman, added £5 in pennies which he had saved up for the occasion.
The third friend, a Scotsman, removed all the money from the coffin and replaced it with a cheque for £15 made 'payable to bearer'.
Unfortunately for Sandy one of the bearers turned out to be a Welshman and he promptly cashed it.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Jokes - SAS
Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
"Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards", said one.
"In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard", said the other.
"We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her", said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
"Jaysus but that f****in gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!"
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
"Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards", said one.
"In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard", said the other.
"We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her", said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
"Jaysus but that f****in gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!"
Silly Jokes
I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first.
Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first.
Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Joke- Night Out
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been
out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet
and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,
slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into
bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's
sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been
out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet
and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,
slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into
bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's
sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
joke -Tom Jones
Rhys: Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Rhys: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Rhys: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.
joke Opps
Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.
Compare Jokes
A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
Flying Joke
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Fav Food - jokes
My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'
Monk- joke
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
Ring my Bell- joke
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
Ambition- jokes
An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said: "I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!"
"What's wrong, boyo?" shouted a voice from the crowd."Got no ambition, have you?"
"What's wrong, boyo?" shouted a voice from the crowd."Got no ambition, have you?"
A good-looking horse -joke
An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.
"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."
The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."
"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.
"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"
Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."
"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."
The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."
"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.
"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"
Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."
On having a baby- joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Not nice- joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your
monkey for you."
monkey for you."
News Headlines -not jokes
Apparently these are real
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
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