Abie's Revelation- jokes

Last year, Sadie's husband Abie was lying on his deathbed in Mt. Sinai Hospital. Every day, Sadie shlepped from Brooklyn to sit by Abie's side.

One night, Abie says to Sadie, "You know, Sadie...I've been thinking. Right after we got married, there was the Depression. I lost everything I had, but Sadie...you were with me. A few years later, after building back the business, I had that big fire in the warehouse and lost thousands of dollars, and Sadie...again, you were at my side. Then the IRS audited me and I had all those big problems with the government. They almost took away everything. But Sadie, through it all, you were at my side. When I had my first heart attack, Sadie...you were by my side every minute. When I had my second heart attack, again, Sadie, you never left me. And now here I am, going to die, and again, Sadie, you're with me. You know what I think, Sadie...?

You're a JINX!"

V i P- jokes

The New Jew at the Law Firm

Elliot Cohen was a very smart young man. After graduating top of his class at Columbia, he finished number one in his law school class at Harvard. With such sterling credentials, he applied for positions at only the best firms in the city. One of them, Sterling Forsythe & Blackburn, was the most notoriously WASPy law firm in town. In the hundred years they'd been in business, they'd never had a Jew on staff. But, the politically correct climate being what it was, they decided it was time they hired somebody Jewish, and certainly they couldn't do better than Elliot.

They called Elliot for an interview in their offices and all the partners were very impressed with him, so they decide to take him to lunch at the "21". While there, the partners meet up with some very important clients, who just happen to be the chairmen of the boards of some very big companies.

The men are all talking with each other but nobody is paying attention to Elliot. He can't even get a word in edgewise. Finally, he gets up and goes to the men's room. They don't even notice he's left the table.

While he's in the bathroom, who does Elliot bump into but the President of the United States! One thing about Elliot...he has a lot of chutzpah. He politely asks the President if he'll do him a big favor. He tells him the story of how these big machers* are ignoring him and asks if the President will just stop off at his table, pat him on the back and say "Hi, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you again."

The President generously agrees.

So, Elliot goes back to the table and sits down. Things are still the same. Nobody is paying attention to him. Ten minutes later, the President walks over to the table, steps over to Elliot, pats him on the back and says "Hey, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you!"

Elliot turns around to the President and says "Get lost! Can't you see I'm with some important people!"

A Tragic Accident- jokes

A Tragic Accident

Moishe Rabinowitz had such an accident! Moishe is ninety three years old and he doesn't move so fast. A couple days ago he was walking across Ocean Parkway and he got hit by taxi! Well, right away there's a big crowd. Everybody's pushing to see how he's doing. Somebody calls for an ambulance. Somebody else calls for a policeman. Another person calls for a priest.

The priest shows up first. He leans over Moishe, takes his hand and says to him, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

Moishe rolls his eyes and says "I'm laying here dying and he's asking me riddles!"

The Lifeboat- jokes

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!

Classic Irish Joke

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'

says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

The French

The French
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

A German atheist - jokes

A German atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"