Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Ring my Bell- joke
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
Ambition- jokes
An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said: "I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!"
"What's wrong, boyo?" shouted a voice from the crowd."Got no ambition, have you?"
"What's wrong, boyo?" shouted a voice from the crowd."Got no ambition, have you?"
A good-looking horse -joke
An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.
"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."
The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."
"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.
"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"
Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."
"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."
The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."
"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.
"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"
Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."
On having a baby- joke
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
When the kids are in college.
Not nice- joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your
monkey for you."
monkey for you."
News Headlines -not jokes
Apparently these are real
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
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