A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
Monday, 6 October 2008
Monday, 29 September 2008
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America
> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
>forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
> > a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
>dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
>go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
>for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you
>forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
> > a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
>dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
>go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
>for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
Jokes from VIZ
Letters to VIZ
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! jokes
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
Saturday, 27 September 2008
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Things not to ask - jokes
These questions about Australia posted on an Australian Tourism Website - Obviously the answers came from a Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Lottery - joke
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, `Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!`
Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`
The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`
Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`
The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`
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