Jokes not very pc by choice

Shot

2009-10-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

An Englishman, a French and an American were captured by
terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Frenchman replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in France,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Frenchman really start."

Timelines

2009-10-15T11:08:00.002-07:00

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Running Late

2009-10-15T11:08:00.001-07:00

A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

Irish Tech Support

2009-01-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

2008's First Christmas Joke

2009-01-05T11:29:00.001-08:00

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are…..

Scroll down…..

Carols.'

Save The World's Airlines

2008-10-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Save The World's Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

The teacher asked Mr. Brown - KJokes

2008-10-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

A typical bloke-- joking

2008-10-06T09:58:00.001-07:00

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America

2008-09-29T10:02:00.001-07:00

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and

> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying

>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> > ______________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

> > WITNESS: July 18th.

> > ATTORNEY: What year?

> > WITNESS: Every year.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at

>all?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> > WITNESS: I forget.

> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something

you

>forgot?

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

>morning?

> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

>voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We both do.

> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We do.

> > ATTORNEY: You do?

> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in

his

>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> >

> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> > ___________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> >

> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> >

> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> > WITNESS: Uh....

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> > WITNESS: None.

> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > WITNESS: By death.

> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had

> > a beard.

> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> >

> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed

on

>dead people?

> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did

you

>go to?

> > WITNESS: Oral.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >

> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

>doing an autopsy on him!

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> >

> > WITNESS: Huh?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

>for a pulse?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

>you began the autopsy?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

>nevertheless?

> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

>practicing law.

Jokes from VIZ

2008-09-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Letters to VIZ

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with
the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one
standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!'
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash
they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say
'hanging's too good for them'?
Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to Remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley

AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers a full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged
her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if
there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her
marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the
public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned
it
in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A
Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney.com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got
the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics
coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I Find the best tactic
by
far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that Is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get
up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.
On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's
face
told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being The
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! jokes

2008-09-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'

A blonde walks into a pharmacy

2008-09-27T06:49:00.001-07:00

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

Things not to ask - jokes

2008-09-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

These questions about Australia posted on an Australian Tourism Website - Obviously the answers came from a Aussie.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Lottery - joke

2008-09-18T14:49:00.001-07:00

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, `Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!`

Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`

The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`

Names not a joke

2008-09-18T14:45:00.002-07:00

Names

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.

"So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.

"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.

"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

Parking Space

2008-09-18T14:45:00.001-07:00

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

i Died -Joke

2008-09-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Rookies at practice-- baseball joke

2008-09-18T14:39:00.001-07:00

Rookies at practice

Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The coach says, "Loft."

The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"

The coach says, "Loft."

The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"

The coach says, "Loft."

As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

The coach says, "Lack of fricking talent."

Praying - joke

2008-09-17T08:32:00.006-07:00

Praying

What's the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Australian Constitution - joke

2008-09-17T08:32:00.005-07:00

Australian Constitution

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to b**ch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dick***ds remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

A quick guide to Australian Culture - joke

2008-09-17T08:32:00.004-07:00

A quick guide to Australian Culture

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.

If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.

Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.

When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.

The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".

Two Irish drunks - Joking

2008-09-17T08:32:00.003-07:00

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Irish Eyes not smiling - joke

2008-09-17T08:32:00.002-07:00

An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

Irish Jokes

2008-09-17T08:32:00.001-07:00

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

Irish Viagra

2008-09-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

LE French - nude joke

2008-09-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

Coleen, who was a rather well-proportioned French girl, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but then, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, ma'am," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have done previously."

"To b'sure what difference does it make?" Coleen asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," smiled the man.. "You've been lying on the dining room skylight."

What does B.I.T.C.H mean?- Joke

2008-09-16T11:54:00.001-07:00

What does B.I.T.C.H mean?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

American Crap Joke Translation

2008-09-16T11:48:00.001-07:00

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.

Great Female Comebacks

2008-09-16T11:46:00.001-07:00

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...

2008-09-15T15:23:00.001-07:00

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...

1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like .. night.

5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Corporate Lesson number one- joking

2008-09-14T08:55:00.001-07:00

Corporate Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

call me .. jokes airport

2008-09-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

An Irishman goes to the Doctor - jokes

2008-09-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look,

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Australian Kiss

2008-09-12T09:24:00.001-07:00

Australian Kiss

Same as a French kiss but "down under"

Irish Maths

2008-09-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

Irish Maths

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

Paddy and Mick - joking cleaners

2008-09-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will" replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well... yes", says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."

bases covered

2008-09-12T09:01:00.002-07:00

They died owing me money

An elderly Man took his little grandson for a walk round the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said

"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me £50 but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said

"Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me £60 and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."

Sheep dipping - jokes

2008-09-12T09:01:00.001-07:00

Some sheep farmers in mid-Wales have formed a society of teetotalers.

There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time.

One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.

Having your photo taken - fun

2008-09-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Two old ladies from Liverpool on holiday in Colwyn Bay decided to have their photograph taken by a beach photographer.

Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.

"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.

"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"

biscuit tin? joke

2008-09-11T08:51:00.001-07:00

Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?

A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!

At the Pearly Gates - jokes

2008-09-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."

Michael Jackson scandal- jokes

2008-09-11T08:20:00.002-07:00

The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch." —Craig Kilborn

"Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only original body parts he has left." —Jay Leno

Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this
afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom...and Class 4C in his bedroom.

"Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony." —Craig Kilborn

Austrailia - jokes

2008-09-11T08:20:00.001-07:00

Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Aussie's for himself."

Man in a hotel lobby - joking

2008-09-10T06:31:00.001-07:00

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Really must be joking

2008-09-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

Declaration Of Independence Reply - jokes

2008-09-10T06:01:00.001-07:00

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Three bearers- jokes

2008-09-10T05:14:00.001-07:00

A wealthy man left legacies to three of his friends on condition that when he was buried, they each placed £5 in his coffin.

When he died, the first of his friends, who was an Englishman, dutifully placed a £5 note in his coffin; the second friend, an Irishman, added £5 in pennies which he had saved up for the occasion.

The third friend, a Scotsman, removed all the money from the coffin and replaced it with a cheque for £15 made 'payable to bearer'.

Unfortunately for Sandy one of the bearers turned out to be a Welshman and he promptly cashed it.

Jokes - SAS

2008-09-09T10:42:00.003-07:00

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
"Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards", said one.
"In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard", said the other.
"We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her", said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
"Jaysus but that f****in gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!"

Silly Jokes

2008-09-09T10:42:00.001-07:00

I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first.

Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Joke- Night Out

2008-09-09T10:41:00.005-07:00

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and

says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been

out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off

the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house,

I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet

and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL

Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,

slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the

full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into

bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's

sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

joke -Tom Jones

2008-09-09T10:41:00.003-07:00

Rhys: Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home.

Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Rhys: Is it common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

joke Monica Lewinsky

2008-09-09T10:41:00.001-07:00

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"

joke Opps

2008-09-09T10:40:00.005-07:00

Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.

Compare Jokes

2008-09-09T10:40:00.003-07:00

A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

Flying Joke

2008-09-09T10:40:00.001-07:00

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Fav Food - jokes

2008-09-09T10:39:00.003-07:00

My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'

Monk- joke

2008-09-09T10:39:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.

Ring my Bell- joke

2008-09-09T10:38:00.003-07:00

A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."

Ambition- jokes

2008-09-09T10:38:00.001-07:00

An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said: "I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!"

"What's wrong, boyo?" shouted a voice from the crowd."Got no ambition, have you?"

Zipper on a Kilt? -joke

2008-09-09T10:37:00.004-07:00

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep won't hear the zipper.

A good-looking horse -joke

2008-09-09T10:37:00.003-07:00

An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

"How much do you want for this horse?" asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, "This horse doesn't look good these days."

The Englishman said, "I've been trading horses all my life and there's nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what's good-looking and what's not."

"Two thousand pounds," said Dai.

"Deal," said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

"You didn't tell me this horse was blind!"

Dai said, "But I told you this horse didn't look good."

On having a baby- joke

2008-09-09T10:37:00.001-07:00

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

Not nice- joke

2008-09-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your
monkey for you."

News Headlines -not jokes

2008-09-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently these are real

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspects Homicide
34. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,00
36 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study On Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Door To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

Abie's Revelation- jokes

2008-07-30T10:42:00.001-07:00

Last year, Sadie's husband Abie was lying on his deathbed in Mt. Sinai Hospital. Every day, Sadie shlepped from Brooklyn to sit by Abie's side.

One night, Abie says to Sadie, "You know, Sadie...I've been thinking. Right after we got married, there was the Depression. I lost everything I had, but Sadie...you were with me. A few years later, after building back the business, I had that big fire in the warehouse and lost thousands of dollars, and Sadie...again, you were at my side. Then the IRS audited me and I had all those big problems with the government. They almost took away everything. But Sadie, through it all, you were at my side. When I had my first heart attack, Sadie...you were by my side every minute. When I had my second heart attack, again, Sadie, you never left me. And now here I am, going to die, and again, Sadie, you're with me. You know what I think, Sadie...?

You're a JINX!"

V i P- jokes

2008-07-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

The New Jew at the Law Firm

Elliot Cohen was a very smart young man. After graduating top of his class at Columbia, he finished number one in his law school class at Harvard. With such sterling credentials, he applied for positions at only the best firms in the city. One of them, Sterling Forsythe & Blackburn, was the most notoriously WASPy law firm in town. In the hundred years they'd been in business, they'd never had a Jew on staff. But, the politically correct climate being what it was, they decided it was time they hired somebody Jewish, and certainly they couldn't do better than Elliot.

They called Elliot for an interview in their offices and all the partners were very impressed with him, so they decide to take him to lunch at the "21". While there, the partners meet up with some very important clients, who just happen to be the chairmen of the boards of some very big companies.

The men are all talking with each other but nobody is paying attention to Elliot. He can't even get a word in edgewise. Finally, he gets up and goes to the men's room. They don't even notice he's left the table.

While he's in the bathroom, who does Elliot bump into but the President of the United States! One thing about Elliot...he has a lot of chutzpah. He politely asks the President if he'll do him a big favor. He tells him the story of how these big machers* are ignoring him and asks if the President will just stop off at his table, pat him on the back and say "Hi, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you again."

The President generously agrees.

So, Elliot goes back to the table and sits down. Things are still the same. Nobody is paying attention to him. Ten minutes later, the President walks over to the table, steps over to Elliot, pats him on the back and says "Hey, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you!"

Elliot turns around to the President and says "Get lost! Can't you see I'm with some important people!"

A Tragic Accident- jokes

2008-07-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

A Tragic Accident

Moishe Rabinowitz had such an accident! Moishe is ninety three years old and he doesn't move so fast. A couple days ago he was walking across Ocean Parkway and he got hit by taxi! Well, right away there's a big crowd. Everybody's pushing to see how he's doing. Somebody calls for an ambulance. Somebody else calls for a policeman. Another person calls for a priest.

The priest shows up first. He leans over Moishe, takes his hand and says to him, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

Moishe rolls his eyes and says "I'm laying here dying and he's asking me riddles!"

The Lifeboat- jokes

2008-07-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!

Classic Irish Joke

2008-07-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'

says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

The French

2008-07-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

The French
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

A German atheist - jokes

2008-07-29T04:41:00.004-07:00

A German atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Three Insurance salesmen -jokes

2008-07-29T04:41:00.003-07:00

Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"

the offer- jokes

2008-07-29T04:41:00.001-07:00

McDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."

The Wife- jokes

2008-07-29T04:40:00.001-07:00

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

What kind of ears does an engine have?

2008-07-29T04:39:00.002-07:00

What kind of ears does an engine have?

Engineers

A guy is at the pearly gates- jokes

2008-07-29T04:39:00.001-07:00

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

An English man and an Irish man- jokes

2008-07-29T04:38:00.000-07:00

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

A car crash- jokes

2008-07-29T04:37:00.004-07:00

A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

Why do.... -jokes

2008-07-29T04:37:00.003-07:00

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

So the sheep won't hear the zipper.

Another Tragic Accident- jokes

2008-07-29T04:37:00.001-07:00

Another Tragic Accident

Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"I make a living."

A Classy Lady- jokes

2008-07-29T04:36:00.001-07:00

A Classy Lady

Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons in a row and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy, shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's daughter from Brooklyn, Esther was hardly sophisticated, but she was desperate to fit in with her wealthy, high class neighbors.

Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.

The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.

One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.

Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."

Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.

Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"

eat- jokes

2008-07-29T04:12:00.001-07:00

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Send this to at least 14 friends in the next 60 minutes to receive absolutely nothing back and something good may not happen, but may, or again may not, but who cares.

Here endeth the Lesson.

Is Your Computer Male Or Female...? - jokes

2008-07-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

THE SENILITY PRAYER- jokes

2008-07-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Two elderly ladies- jokes

2008-07-29T03:45:00.000-07:00

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Can you remember - jokes

2008-07-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

A funeral service - jokes

2008-07-29T03:41:00.001-07:00

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

An elderly Filipino couple - jokes

2008-07-29T03:39:00.001-07:00

An elderly Filipino couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

remembering you - jokes

2008-07-29T03:37:00.001-07:00

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS. - jokes

2008-07-29T02:50:00.000-07:00

MURPHY'S 15 OTHER LAWS...

1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like .. night.

5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU... jokes

2008-07-28T11:56:00.001-07:00

BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

What a married guy does - jokes

2008-07-28T11:55:00.001-07:00

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A Welsh blonde - jokes

2008-07-28T11:54:00.004-07:00

A Welsh blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

I hate cricket - jokes

2008-07-28T11:54:00.003-07:00

A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!

Air Ireland- jokes

2008-07-28T11:54:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the worst Irish aviation disaster... A light aircraft crashed into a grave yard, the police have recovered 800 bodies!

Fishing- jokes

2008-07-28T11:53:00.004-07:00

A wealthy earl went salmon fishing in Ireland. After a fortnight without a bite he eventually hooked one small salmon. As Paddy, his ghillie, landed it, the earl said, 'Do you know, that salmon cost me two hundred pounds?' 'Ah,' said Paddy, 'aren't you the lucky man that you didn't catch two.'

Football- jokes

2008-07-28T11:53:00.003-07:00

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

Germans- jokes

2008-07-28T11:53:00.001-07:00

An English man, German and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The German says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Germany. Where you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

capitalism v communism - jokes

2008-07-28T11:52:00.001-07:00

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

cowculator. - jokes poor

2008-07-28T11:51:00.003-07:00

How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.